Teaching Consent Is Only the Beginning

My daughter, Mandy, recently shared a message on Facebook that every parent raising a son should pay attention to.

“As a boy mom, it’s not enough to just teach our sons about consent,” she wrote. “We need to teach them to speak up, to step in, and to be the one who shuts down bad behavior.”

She added that being a “good guy” involves not only our behavior but also what we tolerate in others.

That is a positive step by a caring mother who understands that raising a respectful son includes preparing him to act when respect is lacking. Her words shift the conversation from what a boy should never do to what he should be prepared to do.

The allegations emerging from Cornell University make that conversation urgent.

A former student, identified as Jane Doe, alleges that seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity sexually assaulted her in October 2024. After public attention to her civil lawsuit, the Tompkins County district attorney reopened the criminal investigation and announced plans to present the case to a grand jury. Several defendants have denied wrongdoing, and the criminal allegations remain unresolved.

We should respect that process. We should also recognize that families and communities have work to do as the process moves forward.

We can teach our children to recognize danger, challenge degrading behavior, and seek help. Those lessons belong in the home long before a young person arrives on a college campus.

Respect Requires Practice

Teaching consent is essential. Young people need to understand that consent must be freely given, applies to a specific activity, and can be withdrawn. They must also learn to recognize when someone cannot meaningfully consent.

But knowing those principles does not automatically prepare someone to act in a room full of friends.

Imagine a young man hearing a friend describe an impaired woman as an opportunity. Or watching someone pressure another person who seems uncomfortable. Or receiving a humiliating image in a group chat.

He may recognize that something is wrong. The harder question is what he does next.

Does he laugh along? Look away? Tell himself it is someone else’s business? Or does he interrupt, check on the person, and seek help?

These are situations worth discussing before they occur. We can ask our sons how they would respond, whom they could call, and how they could help without escalating the danger.

A young person should have these words ready:

“That’s not OK.”

“Let’s check on her.”

“We need help.”

Speaking up can carry a social cost. A boy may worry about losing friends, being ridiculed, or becoming a target himself. Adults should acknowledge that pressure and help him prepare for it.

We should also make clear that intervention does not always require confrontation. It may involve creating a distraction, finding a trusted adult, bringing in another friend, or calling emergency services. The goal is to protect someone and get appropriate help.

What We Tolerate Teaches a Lesson

Mandy’s post challenges the comfortable idea that personal decency alone fulfills our responsibility.

A young man can avoid committing an assault himself and still encourage a dangerous environment by cheering on coercion, circulating degrading material, or dismissing someone’s distress.

That does not mean every bystander has the same knowledge, ability to intervene, or legal responsibility. Fear and uncertainty matter. We should be careful not to assign guilt simply because someone was nearby.

But those distinctions should not become excuses for indifference. When we recognize danger and can safely seek help, we have a responsibility to do so.

Adults teach this through their own behavior.

A father who challenges a degrading comment shows his son that respect applies even when friends are listening. A coach who takes harassment seriously shows that athletic ability does not excuse misconduct. A school leader who responds promptly to a concern teaches students that speaking up matters.

The reverse also teaches a lesson. When we excuse behavior because someone is popular, successful, or influential, young people notice. Our standards become less convincing when they shift based on who violated them.

My years in law enforcement, public service, and violence prevention have shaped how I approach these responsibilities. Accountability after harm is essential. Prevention requires attention to the decisions, relationships, and conditions that precede it.

Parents cannot carry that work alone. Schools, coaches, youth organizations, and universities help shape what young people consider acceptable. Each has an opportunity to make respect and intervention part of everyday expectations.

Institutions Must Be Worthy of Trust

Asking young people to speak up creates an obligation for the adults and institutions that receive their concerns.

Cornell says its disciplinary investigation resulted in expulsions and suspensions and that the Chi Phi chapter remains barred from campus. It disputes claims that writing essays was the sole consequence. The district attorney says the woman’s original statement did not establish a crime; her attorney disputes his characterization and the adequacy of the response.

Cornell has now agreed to an outside review of how it handled the case after a call from New York Gov. Kathy Hochul.

That review should establish what information was available, what follow-up occurred, and how decisions were made. Its value will depend on whether it yields credible answers and meaningful corrections where needed.

Students should expect trained investigators, careful handling of evidence, clear communication, and support. A complete, impartial investigation protects both the person reporting harm and the rights of the accused.

A university’s reputation is best served by a response that inspires trust. Families should not have to wonder whether public attention is necessary for a thorough examination of a sexual assault report.

Why This Matters Today

Mandy’s post offers a starting point: a caring mother seriously considering the kind of man she hopes her son will become.

That conversation should reach fathers, grandparents, teachers, coaches, and everyone who helps raise young people. Boys need adults who teach respect, model it, and help them build the courage to act on it.

Girls and women deserve safety without having to depend on the arrival of someone brave enough to intervene. Responsibility always begins with the person who chooses harmful conduct. Institutions must fulfill their obligations, too.

Still, each person who challenges coercion or seeks help can make a difference.

We should teach our sons to honor others’ boundaries. We should also prepare them for the moment when a friend disregards those boundaries and when someone needs them to speak up.

The lesson becomes real when they know what to do next.